| I was walking along the street –Sea View Terrace –with my dog Yoshi on a glorious (yes,I said glorious) unseasonably warm January day. When it’s 53 degrees F, it is indeed spectacular! Suddenly my dog stopped and turned around to the sound of rapid footsteps coming our way. I too turned to see a woman coming quickly in my direction. Hello, she said. I like your dog.
Oh thank you very much, I replied with a bit of relief. I recognized our visitor as a lady from up the road a bit;someone I had never said more to then a mere,Hello.
Oh how are you doing today? I inquired.
I’m unhappy,she replied. I have to admit I was surprised by her informality,but,because I had just taken the Happiness Coaching certification a few months ago with Dr. Robert Holden,I found it comfortable to respond to her comment. “Yes,I know what you mean;everyone’s unhappy now and again. Why even Jesus,Buddha,and Mohammad had unhappy moments now and then,”I added. What’s making you unhappy,may I ask? She looked away in the other direction,and the wind blew her hair so I could see her sadness in the color of her skin. She didn’t reply. I like your dog she injected. What kind of a dog is it? It’s a Goldendoodle –part golden retriever,part poodle. What’s his name;how old is he? she inquired. And on it went,dog talk. She’d had a German Shepard who had died she said. And now she had just come back from a walk to the marina where she sat on the wooden bench. She decided she wanted another dog. What kind would you like? I asked. More dog talk. All the while I wondered,”What was the cause of her unhappiness? Was it the passing of her beloved pet some years ago? It could be so many things relating to way back when. In any case once,long ago perhaps,she was a person of unconditional happiness. We came to my stop;it was time to go in. I hope we’ll meet again soon I commented. I’ve enjoyed talking with you. Yes, she added with just the hint of a smile on her face. I’d like that. More then a coincidence I know. Thanks God. January. Cold and rainy,or cold and windy. Some folks in my town like to frown and mutter to themselves about how miserable they are -some now and some at every time of the year actually.
But I am excited and delighted to get up and do about five different tasks that are so appealing to me right now,cold rain or not.
First of all,I’m setting a timer for ten minutes and I’m going into each room in my house,choosing a pile or a container,or a shelf. Then like a chipmunk I attack it so that it becomes completely organized –hopefully by the time the buzzer goes off. (I’m so into doing this that if it takes a bit longer,that’s fine too.) The satisfaction of this is amazing. The key here is that I either love each item and keep it,or need it,or I heave it! Another January task is to list your visions for the year,for five years,and for ten years. It’s quite a wonderful list to create. You can refer to it often. My next delightful January task is to do a financial audit. (This can be done in one or two weeks if you like and this is a good month to start.) Keep a note of all your daily expenditures for a week or for the month,total them up with all your bill paying costs per month,include taxes,mortgage,car and insurance payments,and voila,you have your audit done. Now recognize how to achieve your visions with the money you have. That’s fairly straight forward right? Well not so fast my friend. It’s time for the talk. Have a talk with your partner first about your visions,financial audit,where you stand financially right now,and how you can achieve your goals and visions without spending more then you have.
These talks are incredible! You will feel so free and so much more creative,due to your combined de-cluttering effort. One more thing,have these talks with your children too if you have them. For too long children have been mystified by their parents finances. Empower them by sharing your financial plans. Nothing financial is off limits. There it is;don’t mutter,De-Clutter your way to success and to happiness! An amazing business coach,who is quite successful in his own right,was counseling his radio listeners to spend these next two or three weeks striving for their goals.By doing so,he reasoned,we’d be far ahead of the pack when the new year began.
I’d been thinking about what he’d said for the week,and tried to follow his advice. But all the while there was a nagging tension playing its whisper in my ear. Christmas or business? Christmas or business? And then the whisper got louder,and ”life happened.”My beloved mother- in- law became seriously ill,my dear goldendoodle developed quite an infection on his leg,and my old dog Snowy’s chronic bronchitis returned with a vengeance. And to be considered,while I was working on my next project with its pending deadline,who would finish my Christmas cards? So my question as to whether to do business as usual or give love to those around me,in the Christmas spirit,became quite clear. I can always attend to business as usual,but I’d much prefer to give the love I have to those who need my love,and to prepare for Christmas when the time allows. Being in the loving Christmas moment is my preference. After all,work will always be there when you get back,I promise you. But the love of Christmas is only with us,and the ones we love, for a fleeting moment each year. Never pass that by so you can get ahead. Listen to the Christmas whisper everyone,and Merry Christmas. With love, Kathy Warm and damp. That’s the weather outside today. Early in the day a few people I spoke with said the weather brought them down. No,not for me. I listened and responded with something loving,thoughtful,or compassionate if I could.
For today I remembered. Today is the day a tree is being delivered to my back yard –a white pine,to replace the one broken off during a micro-burst from Hurricane Irene. The tree will serve as a boundary line between two properties and will give the illusion –along with other pines – of entering a forest instead of living close to my neighbors -as lovely as they are.
The men came and carefully planted the pine. After they left,my large dog Yoshi and I did a rainy day celebration dance- similiar to the Gombey dancers of Bermuda.* Thus a rainy day celebration occurred right in my back yard! Join me today,or any day that you like. But do enjoy a rainy day celebration dance soon. *google ”Gombey dancers YouTube”if you want to be uplifted. My sound soother –ocean waves –stopped working this morning as I was in that hypnogagic state. You know the one not quite awake but not returning to sleep. I knew that signaled another power outage. One lasting almost a week with Hurricane Irene,called for our evacuation. The next an ice storm,at the end of October-20 degree F nights. That wasn’t pleasant.
But now I’m armed with my Coaching Happiness certification. And although our computers hadn’t been shut off,which could mean the ”blue screen of death”for them,or so I’d been told,I was calm. No,I was happy.
I had listened to Lynda Anderson’s Laughing Party YouTube video prior to going to bed,and I was enveloped in laughter and happiness.
I greeted the new morning with a smile;the sunrise was exquisite,and the cool air rushed across me as I did my delicious morning stretches and yoga.
As I began my meditation I recognized a familiar sound –my sound soother had come back on. Thank you God. Thank you very much. I have two dear friends named Irene. One is a beautiful blonde living in California,the other is my lovely sister-in-law who lives in the next state. Both my Irenes are not only gorgeous on the outside,but are so kind and caring to their family members,their friends,and even strangers they meet. It’s a pleasure to be with both my Irene’s; they just light up the room with their love,caring,and happiness. By this time we all are happy to bid the other Irene a fond farewell. I’m referring to Hurricaine Irene of course. “She”did an incredible amount of damage to my beloved town and her wrath was felt far inland,as well as up the coast. But here’s one good thing about Irene –the hurricane that is. Everywhere I went,and everyone I met,before and after the hurricane,reached out to me and to others with love and kindness. Ray at the hardware store was so helpful to all the folks who needed provisions; he and all the employees are always that way I must say.
People helped their neighbors get ready for the high winds by putting up boards on house windows along the coast. One kind man stored my board purchases on top of his truck and drove them out of his way to deliver them to my home.
I saw a teenage bagger at the supermarket escorting an elderly disabled lady into the store,loading her cart with a few bags of ice and then helping her to check them out. (She had a son waiting at the other end to assist her.)My sister and brother- in- law invited us to camp out in their home before we were evacuated. Although she’s not called Irene,my other sister- in- law is lovely and gracious,and we were made to feel more then welcome. In fact we had a great time. These are only a few of the many stories of how people turned the wrath of Hurricane Irene into love and kindness for many many days. What’s interesting to me is that extension of love and kindness is still here with us. People wherever I go are reaching out in a warmer,more personal way then they did before the hurricane. So here’s my prayer for the day. Dear Lord,please let the people of my community,my global community actually,remember the love and kindness brought about by Hurricane Irene and carry it with them to give to themselves and to all others they might meet. Have loving,kind,and happy day my friends. In fourth grade I learned to speak up. At the time,I had two family members who had Asperger’s Syndrome. In their particular case,they had frequent temper and anger issues, especially when they were frustrated. I also had a sister (in my family of origin) who was frequently filled with dislike and anger toward me. (I do understand the reasons for their behavior now,but the 1950′s were times when there was little knowledge of Aspergers,or disorders that filled people with rage towards others.)These frequent negative family encounters had me standing in the foreground of unworthiness,fear,but most of all,a real inability to speak up. But then along came Sister Mary Victor. Sister Mary could be really frightening at times,quite intimidating actually;on most other occasions she was merely extremely subdued. So we fourth graders usually did what we were told,and that way we kept on the good side of her vacillating temper. But then came the day of reckoning. On that day we were to learn cursive writing,and I was left-handed. Sister Mary Victor wanted everyone to be uniform in what they did in that 1950′s classroom. (I think there were about thirty-five or forty students in the room.) So I was told by Sister Mary V. that I was to change my handedness to the right,and to do that right away. And that my dear reader,may have been the most important day of my life;the day that I first spoke up and became empowered,that is. I told Sister Victor that,”I would not be changing my handedness on that day,”or any day in the future. Sister Mary told me that if I did not do so immediately,I would be sent to “Siberia.”Now Siberia,in her classroom,was all the way to the back of the room,in the furthest corner from our beloved instructor. To me,that seemed like a pretty good deal. So I lifted up my desk-top,gathered up my books and pencil case,and back I went. Some kids cheered. They were told to write a sentence ( I’ve forgotten what the sentence was actually- it was something like “I will not clap when Mary Kathleen disobeys God’s word,”) 100 times! Sister Victor had written it on the blackboard,in cursive of course. But that was the day I found my voice, my courage,and my confidence,even with those snarly family members who had helped to carve the false beliefs I mentioned above. Now there have been times subsequently,when people and their actions have temporarily tamped me down. But all I have to do is remember that great day,where and when I told Sister Mary,that who I am is just fine,in fact more then fine. That was the day I learned to speak up,and on that day I found my courage,my strength,and my emotional freedom. So when you’re feeling down,and not worthwhile,think back to a time when you spoke-up and felt empowered. ( Perhaps people even cheered!) Just dig down,or back,or where ever it was. You’ll find it though,I know you will,and when you do,then you’ll know where your power is;and you can call on that power whenever you need it! As for the people in my family who often yelled and screamed at me,I am so grateful for the past and present teachers in my life. Yes,even Sister Mary Victor! They helped me to understand about my parent and siblings moments of anger or rage. To the credit of my teachers,I learned compassion,patience,and understanding. I know now why they behaved in the way that they did. And with that understanding comes love,and a lifetime ability to speak up. Just finished listening to Christiana Northrup’s Joy app. It’s wonderful and she should do stand-up/joy comedy more often.
So many things resonated with me,but in particular the prayer by Macrina Wiederkehr. Christian suggested it be repeated one a day. I think perhaps like an affirmation,once in the morning and once at night,or tape it around your house. Here it is… Oh God
help me to believe
the truth about myself-
no matter how beautiful it is! I love that! And remember,Happiness isn’t a journey. It’s now! Robert Holden (?) My awakening began long before John Edward’s sexual blunders. But let’s just start there. At that time,back in 2008,I was certain John Edwards would make an excellent candidate for the presidential election. (I was willing to forgive his hair grooming focus.) His wonderful wife Elizabeth,although stricken with stage four breast cancer,was a favorite person of mine. She was so brave and strong,and willing to take a stand on several issues I supported,including health care reform and gay marriage. But then John betrayed his wife with the “other woman.” (The court is still out as to whether campaign funding was used to hide the pregnancy that resulted from his affair.) And I felt betrayed as well. Not only had I supported John Edwards’s campaign financially,but I felt as though he had betrayed me with his lack of integrity about his liaison. (Later Elizabeth Edwards wrote a book about his shenanigans. The first chapter began with the words;“You are so hot!” uttered by the “other woman” as she waited in prey for John Edwards as he entered the hotel where he was staying.) As a life coach I’ve had clients who have had similar experiences with their husbands. I always do research as to what makes people behave in the way they do. So,for example,when my first client wanted to move forward with her career,but seemed so hesitant to do so,she admitted that she had been deceived by her husband – she walked in on them in the act! Small wonder she was hesitant to move forward in her life;the trauma she must have experienced is unimaginable. Luckily,she has a wonderful therapist whom she’s still seeing to work on that and other extending issues. What amazed me was what transpired when I first spoke to my client. I asked her why she thought her husband had betrayed her in the way that he did. What surprised me was her response to my question. She said,and I quote,“He did it because he could.” When I asked her what she meant by that,she said her husband was from the south,and he and his friends would sit on the porch bragging about this sexual encounter or that” hot woman.” They’d laugh together about having had a long standing affair,or perhaps just a “one night stand.” Her comment and their behavior really pushed my buttons I have to admit. Her husband had the affair because he could and he and his friends sat on the porch and laughed and bragged about their encounters! In my book this is not right. But my research shows that men cheat on their wives for reasons far different from what you might think. Rabbi and family counselor M. Gary Neuman found,with a survey of 25,000 men,the two biggest reasons men cheated was because the other woman treated them like a hero showering him with praise and validating their existence at every opportunity. In most cases,the husbands or male partners hadn’t received that kind of hero treatment since they and their wives first began their relationships. Yes,the number one reason that men cheat is because they want approval,praise,and acknowledgement;and if you won’t give it to them,someone else may. (One of my coaching club participants said she hated that information. I understand.) The number two reason that men cheat,according to Rabbi Neuman,is because they have a close relative – a father,or brother- or a good friend who models said behavior- that of a lying,cheating,scumbag- opps excuse me.I guess I’ve gotten carried away and here’s why. Last Sunday’s paper showed a picture in an African hospital of a room filled with women who had been raped,or were victims of rape and brutality. This stunned me. That coupled with the humiliating “alleged” sexual assault on a housekeeper in a Manhattan hotel by the head of the IMF,in the same week as Ex-governor Arnold Swartznagger—told his wife about his love child;theresult of an affair with the longtime family housekeeper,etc. etc. The list goes on and on. As you know,it takes two to tango,and I haven’t read the book about why women cheat,or become the other women. But here is my observation. I believe that many lonely or unattached women will do anything they can to have a partner,particularly someone who is successful in their eyes. Perhaps they may also have a strong desire to have children with these successful men. I’ve heard about this being the case several times. So it’s important that we married women or women with committed partners treat our men like heroes when we can,and validate them as well. Remember what it was like when you were first together – or get back to that stage in the relationship,if you’re not there already.
Secondly,it’s important that you notice who your partner is hanging out with. If he’s currently role modeling flirtation to promiscuity as a result of that friendship or family bond,discourage and disavow that relationship right away. Finally,notice the women at home –the housekeeper,or in the office – you’re husband’s office that is. A personal friendship with single or married women is an enormous mistake. Remember,In the end,all they may want is a partner- and that partner might be your husband! One more thing if I may. The comment my client made as to why her husband betrayed her – because he could- has got to change. Lying,betrayal,humiliation,trauma,destruction of families- is not just egotistical porch story bragging,or a walk in the park. The cost of this” because he could” behavior has enormous ramifications and has got to stop. Women of the world,let our new phrase be,“NO! No He Can’t. ” But give your husband a reason to come home at night,with love and validation. Because in the end,these stories,with our husbands and partners,should be about love- love,friendship,fun,and happiness –and yes integrity. Don’t be like Arnold and ruin everything you hold dear for a bit more ego and a hop in the sack. I was returning from New York City a week ago last Friday. I’d gone to find a wedding gown for my best friend’s daughter’s wedding and was delighted with the success of the trip. (I had already chosen the same dress that my friend was wearing two times! As an intuitive person,I wondered why I had returned to the station a third time. I was about to find out.) The train pulled into the station in New Haven,and I was waiting for my husband to pick me up. We were going out for pizza in New Haven,and I had about a half a hour to wait. Suddenly the automatic doors opened wide and everyone in the station looked towards them. A young father carrying a little red-headed boy in his arms entered the station. Everyone’s’ gaze turned in their direction because a blood curdling scream was coming from the boy. “Mommy! Mommy! Mommmmmy!” He cried. “Noooo! I want my Mommy!” he shouted again and again and again. Now we’ve all heard yelling,and perhaps an occasional scream coming from a two or three- year- old,but I ‘d never heard anything like the cries coming from this little red- headed boy. I’m a teacher,a positive parenting coach,and the mother of two boys,but I’d never witnessed anything like the intensity of the cries coming from this child. The little boy squirmed out of his father’s arms and ran toward the moving doors. If his father hadn’t caught him just in time,the boy would have run out into traffic! His father brought the boy back into the station where the boy continued to scream his mother’s name. Then the boy wiggled out of his father’s arms again,threw himself on the stone floor,and began banging his head on the hard surface. That was too much for me to bear. I jumped up and went over to them to hopefully come to their aid. The father had,after a long moment,pulled his son up from the floor and into his arms. I asked his father what the boys name was. “Nacho,” he replied.
“How old is he?” I asked.
“Almost three,” he said.
“I’m a parenting coach,” I said over the screams of the little red- headed boy. “Can I help you in any way?”
“Thank you.” He responded. “He’ll be okay. He just left his mother. He was giving her a hard time too. He hasn’t seen me in quite awhile.” “Oh you’re separated or divorced?” I inquired.
“Yes we are,” he answered over the shouts of his child.
“Do you think he might be hungry?” I asked. “No he’s just eaten,” He said. Niecho quieted down for a moment while I spoke to him,only to start up again when I went back to my seat. Then once again Niecho ran towards the door,screaming his mother’s name. He took a quick turn and ran to the back of the station. His father ran after him,and again Niecho threw himself on the large stone squares. Only Only this time,as Neicho started to bring his head down on the pavement,his father placed his hand under his son’s head. This head hitting attempt lasted a full minute I think,but to me,and others in the station,it seemed eternal. Then the dad looked at his watch,and glanced upwards towards the arrival and departure board. With a distant gaze,the father picked up his son and went down the stairs towards his waiting train. Niecho’s screams could be heard,calling his mother,echoing down the tunnel toward the anticipated train. I stood there stunned. This was clearly an enormously traumatic event for the child. It’s a situation in this boy’s life that would most probably impact him for the rest of his life. Clearly he would suffer from feelings of abandonment by his mother;and I doubted this was the first such situation. I felt unsuccessful and fairly useless after Niecho’s departure. And so I write this blog. This is what I know. Divorce and separation are terribly traumatic for children,even under the best of circumstances. All current research indicates this. But if you must live apart,make sure your child doesn’t feel like he or she has been abandoned by one parent,or stolen by the other. Make transitions as peaceful as possible,and never ever talk about the other parent to the child,or within earshot of the child. Today I was wondering about Niecho when I heard Chris Gardner speaking on a re-broadcast Oprah radio show. (Chris is the man who inspired Will Smith in the movie The Pursuit of Happyness.) Chris made the comment that when he and his son were homeless,he knew he wanted to be “world-class at something.” So he decided to break the code,the code of men who are not there for their children. Bravo to you Chris and God bless you. Still I wonder about Niecho. Is he alright? And what happened on the train? In hindsight,I wish I had been able to help him and his father in a more constructive way. So in prayerful meditation I sit,and my thoughts stray. I wonder to myself deep in my heart,“Where is Niecho now? Where is he now?” In my prayers I send him love and a long lifetime of peace and happiness. | |
